Yes, yes that was me.

I was at dinner with my girlfriend. We were doing our normal Thai food & Bookstore evening. The restaurant was in a strip with a lovely bookstore and we always left laden with armfuls of books, smiling happily and reeking of curry.

I had stayed at the bookstore while she ran some kind of errand, and when she returned I remember her rounding the aisle, pointing at the sign and saying snarkily, “How did I know I’d find you in self help?!!”

I was obsessed.

I know, I know, it’s hard to imagine…….

That Bad Eventer would be obsessed with ANYTHING!

Many years earlier as a teenager I had learned that my behavior maybe wasn’t ………um………..ideal, and I had discovered the

MAGICAL WORLD of SELF HELP.

My library had become SHELVES of self help books………

I self reflected…..

obsessively………….

and occasionally begged bribed and otherwise tried to coerce my significant other into reading key sections of some of those books.

At one point I had this lovely boyfriend………..

Ok, so he wasn’t that lovely, and he was mostly unpleasant…….. Regardless I was sure I had found the “solution” to all of our problems in one of my troves of guides. I just wanted him to read “Chapter 2”. I thought if he’d read those 4 pages, all of our problems would be solved…………We argued about him reading that chapter for MONTHS. He refused, he belittled, he even gave me an essay someone had written about how stupid the book was………….

Yes, really.

After more than a few fights, and some serious ugliness I finally called it quits.

I’ll never forget the day a few weeks later, THAT DAMN SELF HELP BOOK arrived in the mail, (the one he had REFUSED to read) complete with comments he’d written on EVERY page……..

the note said,

“If ONLY we’d read this book while we were still together, it would have saved our relationship.”

I still turn red when I remember reading that……….

After screaming until I was hoarse, I had a little bonfire.

I guess I’m still the queen of self help.

I take a BAZILLION lessons. I’ve attended weeks of horsemanship classes. I attend team building courses, I study management theory, communication and personal development continuously………..

Bad Eventer just doesn’t fail on a personal development level.

Bad Eventer grows.

Bad Eventer matures.

Bad Eventer is self aware and always on a path for improvement.

That is………..Until……………. Bad Eventer gets on this horse.

Then all that personal development, self awareness, patience, and skill just goes right out the window.

I’ve given up riding horses before.

I’ve had some that were just flat out dangerous.

That didn’t want to play the game….. that sent me off in an ambulance repeatedly…….

I never once felt like a failure when I quit riding those horses. It was about personal safety, and goals, and happiness.

BUT! I have this amazing, lovely, sweet, affectionate, talented, fancy, SAFE horse.

And I can’t stand him.

It’s like the battered wife that says, “But he LOVES ME! And he’s sorry! I could never leave!!”

About half the time we have a really good ride.

And I think, “he loves me, and he’s sorry, and he can stay!”

Then we have days like the other morning where he had a total bolting/sideways meltdown over a silly DRESSAGE move, and I LOST my patience, felt like I abused my horse and then felt bad for my horse and angry at myself.

On some level I’ve viewed riding this horse as part of my self development journey. We’re not a great fit, but it’s not his fault and I SHOULD be able to learn to ride him.

UM……about that……………

At some point in nearly every ride I want to KILL him. Then I over react, then I feel bad, then I wonder why he puts up with me. A more sensitive horse would just buck me off or flip over or just be done with me. This one just takes the abuse and keeps on doing whatever it was I was overreacting to.

There was a day when I first started him……… I was riding him in a large round pen. A young lady walked up and said, “Oh!!!!! He’s BEAUTIFUL!!!!!” At which point I screamed, “He’s RUNNING AWAY WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!”

I was hauling on him with every ounce I had and he was just merrily cantering along. I was no more than an annoying fly up there.

For the record, we were in a ROUND PEN. He wasn’t exactly going anywhere. With any other horse I would’ve just dropped the reins and said, “OK then, show me what you’ve got” they all wear out eventually. But something about this horse pushes me right into ABJECT TERROR and I can’t make those good training decisions when I’m riding him.

Is this a self development hurdle that MUST be overcome?

Or is this another boyfriend that won’t freaking read Chapter 2??